The Guy in the Alley

   

 This ones about another close friend of mine, and how we became brothers. He goes by "The Guy in the Alley", but for the blog we'll just call him "The Guy".

     The Guy worked at my favorite bar in town. When we first met he was just a barback, restocking cold ice and beer for all of the patrons. Since then however, he's been the DJ, and even a bartender. But that's just his night job, during the day he worked for the city, as part of a trash crew, that's where his real money came from.

     We new each other for roughly a year before become friends. I invited him over to my house for a party after the bar closed, not thinking he'd actually show up. But he did, and it was a CRAZY night! But that's a story for a different night.

     The next morning, I awoke to find The Guy passed out in my living room with a few other people. I woke them all up and we started our day with some waffle house. As we ate, our topic of conversation changed from the previous nights party, to talking about our lives. That's when I found out The Guy was newly homeless.

     He'd been kicked out of the place he was staying recently, and had nowhere else to go. So what did I do? I offered to let him stay at my place of course! And just like that, my relationship with The Guy started immediately.

     The Guy lived with me for roughly two years before I left North Carolina, and we quickly became best friends. We were always there if the other person needed anything, no matter what it was, and this formed a strong trust between the two of us.

     Many shenanigans were had over the course of those two years, but one night stands out to me more than any of the rest, the night The Guy tried acid for the first time. For those of you that don't know a lot about LSD, well let's just say it's a hell of a drug. The dose he was taking didn't kick in for about an hour and half, but when it did, he was GONE for at least a good twelve damn hours.

     On this particular night, The Guy dropped his first tab of acid just before we left for the local pool hall. By the time we were halfway through out first pitcher of shitty beer, his pool game changed drastically. You see, The Guy was an amazing pool shark. He could make any shot you told him to, and he almost never missed. But now he couldn't hit a damn thing.

     I asked him what was going on, the follow dialogue is the result:

Me: What's going on man, you're pool games way off.

The Guy: I don't know man, I just don't wanna hurt the balls feelings by hitting them too hard ya know what I mean?

Me: No, I can't really say that I do...

The Guy: Trust me man, pool balls have feelings too!

Me: Ah drugs, they'll make you see some crazy shit

The Guy: I'm on drugs??

     Well through the course of this night, multiple pitchers of beer and a handful of shots of jaeger had distorted my senses enough I would easily classify myself as "The drunk idiot who vomited in the bathroom sink". And because of this, all I wanted to do was get laid, so I managed to drunk txt my way into the pants of some overweight mother of two with a pocket full of government aid money.

    Usually, I wouldn't have touched her no matter how drunk I was, but she had a roommate and The Guy wanted to get laid, so I gladly took one for the team. Well upon arrival to the heifer's house, I decide to get the deed over with and take her to the bedroom. And hour later, I come out to find her roommates door wide open, I walk past, and she's sitting on the bed ALONE. Fuck...

   She tells me he's been in the bathroom for a good half hour, and I find him staring blankly into the mirror. Little advice, never, I repeat, NEVER look into a mirror when you're on LSD. This mother fucker was LOST in the damn mirror! He literally couldn't look away because his eyes couldn't find their way out...

Me: Bro, you know that chicks still waiting for you to fuck her right?

The Guy: Chick? You mean that's a person?? Oh my god I thought it was a dragon! She looks like a damn dragon man! I was just gonna slay her with my dick and call it a night!

Me: I'm pretty sure she heard you man...

Dragon Lady: We can still have sex though, if you want.

Me: Nobody asked you

The Guy: Hold on I'm tripping, quit killing my buzz Dragon Lady

Dragon Lady: Just hurry up...

     The rest of the night consisted of the loudest and most annoying moaning I have ever heard, but not from the Dragon Lady, from The Guy. All you could hear from the bedroom was roars of triumph and The Guy shouting "The beast has been slain!" at the top of his lungs.

    Long story short, The Guy can get crazy sometimes, and you should always stay relatively sober to blog about it later. If you're reading this bro, happy late Halloween!