For those of you that have been following the past couple of weeks, thanks for all the views, and even more for all of the positive feedback you've sent me! A little constructive criticism really helps me pick the best writing style to keep all of your interest.
Also, my apologies to all of my readers, I've been so busy with worth and my family as the holidays drew near, that I've seldom had time to update the blog. The more of you that email me, or leave comments, the more motivated I stay to update it almost DAILY!
It took some time to decide what story I would tell next, I have so many that I forget about the majority of them until they somehow get brought up in my day to day life. This next one I was actually reminded about at a party not long ago. I was renouncing on the past with The Bearded Yankee, and he couldn't help but ask me to tell this one. I hope you enjoy it as much as everyone else did!
This one couldn't have happened no more than a year ago. I only remember because I had recently pulled a muscle in the gym so the doc gave me a Vicodin script, which of course meant I was a happy mother fucker. This also meant however, that my Vicodin intake almost tripled, because I was doing it with a doctors permission now.
I'm sure most of you remember who The Guy is? Well to be honest, The Guy never really drank that much. Usually his day would consist of work, then coming home and relaxing with some green. As you can probably guess, this led to him having an extremely low alcohol tolerance.
Every great once in a while however, The Guy would come home from work to one of our parties, and decide he just HAD to join in. Nine times out of ten this included violent actions against my furniture and/or getting lost in the backyard. One particular evening, he did just that. Though it wasn't much of a party, more like a few friends hanging out and drinking.
The Guy showed up from work, and started drinking with the 4 or 5 of us that we're awake. Sadly, the good times only lasted an hour or so, as I made the mistake of offering him a drink of my bottle.
I had just opened the Fifth of Old Crow. It was a cheap whiskey, $8.95 actually, but I like it cheap, that meant I had more money for beer. And when I offered The Guy the first drink of the bottle, he took that as a challenge to chug the whole god damned thing -.-
Well needless to say it wasn't an hour later that he was drunk as fuck wailing around my house like a wacky wavy inflatable arm tube man trying to sleep with anything that had a clam hole and was breathing.
We don't call this man "The Guy". When he's this drunk, he generally goes by the name Richard G. Dome. And let me tell you, Richard has no morales, Richard has no chill, and Richard has so fucks to give. Richard is basically me when I'm sober.
Amongst the friends at our house was one in particular, we'll call her "Big tittied Bitch". And as you an imagine, The Guy had a fascination with Big Tittied Bitch. So what did The Guy want to do? I'll let you use your head and figure that one out in your own.
Well at the end of that first hour, The Guy started having a mental breakdown on my fucking ass. He freaked out on everyone but me and Big Tittied Bitch. So everyone left, leaving the two of us to deal with The Guy on our own.
Naturally this pissed me off, but hey whatever shit happens. It wasn't really that bad because anything that Big Tittied Bitch said, The Guy listened to. The only problem, was that The Guy thought that since she was being nice to him, that she wanted to sleep with him.
Another hour later she had him calmed down, and he was well beyond smitten. A fifth of Old Crow, a gram or two of green, and some bare tits walking around all night led to the following conversation:
BTB- You gonna be okay Guy?
TG- oh yah fo sho, hey bout another drink bitch?
BTB- Um, I think I'm good thanks
ME- hey The Guy, how bout we go out in the garage and have a smoke?
TG- aight man lets go
BTB- so guy, I think I'll have that drink after all, care to mix one for me?
TG- hells yah girl, gimme a sec (walks out)
At this point, Big Tittied Bitch gives me a look that basically says "save me, I think he wants me!", in which I replied with a look that says "oh I'm just here to watch and laugh bitch".
TG- (walks back in) here ha go girl (puts arms around her)
BTB- oh thank you
Me- so Guy, I'm pretty sure this both wants your dick, you gonna hit that?
BTB- (looks at me glaring)
TG- oh you're damn right I am hahaha, what do you expect? (Looks at BTB) hey girl, you got some nice tits you know that?
BTB- (ignores him)
TG- (realizing he got shot down) Psssh whatever, face is kinda busted though...
Me- oh shit... Shots fired!
BTB- wtf did you say to me you pig??
TG- whatever girl, Ima go beat my dick, wanna help?
BTB- (looks at me) I'm going home, I'll text you tomorrow
Me- aight deuces
Spending the past hour typing this thing during the commercials of 007: Skyfall, it realize that this story is a lot better told in person, but hey, watch a gonna do right? It'll probably be two or three days before I can post another story as I'm in Austin, TX for Thanksgiving, but keep an eye and because my next story will be coming soon!
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