Drunken Nights at Home - Part 1

   For those of you that have been following the past couple of weeks, thanks for all the views, and even more for all of the positive feedback you've sent me! A little constructive criticism really helps me pick the best writing style to keep all of your interest.

   Also, my apologies to all of my readers, I've been so busy with worth and my family as the holidays drew near, that I've seldom had time to update the blog. The more of you that email me, or leave comments, the more motivated I stay to update it almost DAILY! 

   It took some time to decide what story I would tell next, I have so many that I forget about the majority of them until they somehow get brought up in my day to day life. This next one I was actually reminded about at a party not long ago. I was renouncing on the past with The Bearded Yankee, and he couldn't help but ask me to tell this one. I hope you enjoy it as much as everyone else did!

   This one couldn't have happened no more than a year ago. I only remember because I had recently pulled a muscle in the gym so the doc gave me a Vicodin script, which of course meant I was a happy mother fucker. This also meant however, that my Vicodin intake almost tripled, because I was doing it with a doctors permission now.

   I'm sure most of you remember who The Guy is? Well to be honest, The Guy never really drank that much. Usually his day would consist of work, then coming home and relaxing with some green. As you can probably guess, this led to him having an extremely low alcohol tolerance.

   Every great once in a while however, The Guy would come home from work to one of our parties, and decide he just HAD to join in. Nine times out of ten this included violent actions against my furniture and/or getting lost in the backyard. One particular evening, he did just that. Though it wasn't much of a party, more like a few friends hanging out and drinking.

   The Guy showed up from work, and started drinking with the 4 or 5 of us that we're awake. Sadly, the good times only lasted an hour or so, as I made the mistake of offering him a drink of my bottle. 

   I had just opened the Fifth of Old Crow. It was a cheap whiskey, $8.95 actually, but I like it cheap, that meant I had more money for beer. And when I offered The Guy the first drink of the bottle, he took that as a challenge to chug the whole god damned thing -.-

   Well needless to say it wasn't an hour later that he was drunk as fuck wailing around my house like a wacky wavy inflatable arm tube man trying to sleep with anything that had a clam hole and was breathing.

   We don't call this man "The Guy". When he's this drunk, he generally goes by the name Richard G. Dome. And let me tell you, Richard has no morales, Richard has no chill, and Richard has so fucks to give. Richard is basically me when I'm sober.

   Amongst the friends at our house was one in particular, we'll call her "Big tittied Bitch". And as you an imagine, The Guy had a fascination with Big Tittied Bitch. So what did The Guy want to do? I'll let you use your head and figure that one out in your own.

   Well at the end of that first hour, The Guy started having a mental breakdown on my fucking ass. He freaked out on everyone but me and Big Tittied Bitch. So everyone left, leaving the two of us to deal with The Guy on our own.

   Naturally this pissed me off, but hey whatever shit happens. It wasn't really that bad because anything that Big Tittied Bitch said, The Guy listened to. The only problem, was that The Guy thought that since she was being nice to him, that she wanted to sleep with him. 

    Another hour later she had him calmed down, and he was well beyond smitten. A fifth of Old Crow, a gram or two of green, and some bare tits walking around all night led to the following conversation:

   BTB- You gonna be okay Guy? 

   TG- oh yah fo sho, hey bout another drink bitch?

    BTB- Um, I think I'm good thanks

   ME- hey The Guy, how bout we go out in the garage and have a smoke?

   TG- aight man lets go

   BTB- so guy, I think I'll have that drink after all, care to mix one for me?

   TG- hells yah girl, gimme a sec (walks out)

 

   At this point, Big Tittied Bitch gives me a look that basically says "save me, I think he wants me!", in which I replied with a look that says "oh I'm just here to watch and laugh bitch".

   TG- (walks back in) here ha go girl (puts arms around her)

   BTB- oh thank you

   Me- so Guy, I'm pretty sure this both wants your dick, you gonna hit that? 

   BTB- (looks at me glaring)

   TG- oh you're damn right I am hahaha, what do you expect? (Looks at BTB) hey girl, you got some nice tits you know that?

   BTB- (ignores him)

   TG- (realizing he got shot down) Psssh whatever, face is kinda busted though...

   Me- oh shit... Shots fired!

   BTB- wtf did you say to me you pig??

   TG- whatever girl, Ima go beat my dick, wanna help?

   BTB- (looks at me) I'm going home, I'll text you tomorrow

   Me- aight deuces

   Spending the past hour typing this thing during the commercials of 007: Skyfall, it realize that this story is a lot better told in person, but hey, watch a gonna do right? It'll probably be two or three days before I can post another story as I'm in Austin, TX for Thanksgiving, but keep an eye and because my next story will be coming soon!

 

Can I Touch Your Pussy Prank!

Funny All The Time: Can I Touch Your Pussy Prank! - Watch The Video!

Marines - As Retarded as any Civilian

     So my time in the Marine Corps wasn't always enjoyable, and not every Marine I encountered was capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation. Sometimes, this would piss you off so badly all you wanted to do was rage through the barracks dishing out servings of hate and discontent. Other times, you couldn't help but roll around laughing your ass off. This being a blog based on comedy, you can imagine how this story goes.

     Ty was one of my coworkers, and back then, he reminded you of a sloth with down syndrome. He's not as retarded as he used to be thankfully, but back then, the shit that came out of his mouth made you stop dead in your tracks and think, "Can someone really be this stupid?". If you read this Ty, don't get butt hurt, you were an idiot half of the time we knew each other haha.

     The majority of this story takes place spread out over the course of a single week. In that week, Ty changed my entire perspective of how IQ levels work. For instance, he was notorious for never knowing the answer to very simple questions. For example, the following conversation is indeed real, and took place late January, The people referred to as "J" and "Brett" are coworkers:

Ty: (Out of Nowhere) Where do Sharks come from?

J: Ty what the fuck haha

Me: No hold on, you really ask that??

Ty: No for real guys, where are they from?

J: The ocean....

Ty: No like originally

Me: Oh my fucking god... I give up...

(Brett walks in)

Me: Brett, listen to this mother fucker

Brett: What's up?

Ty: No like for real though, where are sharks from, like, originally?

Brett: I'm leaving work early before I catch whatever disease made him retarded. See ya'll tomorrow.

     Yes, this is a real conversation. And no, the story doesn't end here. As a matter of fact, it only gets worse. I'm not particular sure of the context of the following conversation, it's been to long. What I do remember is that Ty asked a stupid question, and being the guy I was, I had to make fun of him:

Me: Ty, how the hell does a grown man not know something like that? how fucking old are you to not have figured that out?

Ty: Uuuuuuuh..... 23 right?

Me: Oh fuck.... you didn't really forget your age, this is all a joke...

Ty: ......

J: ........

Brett: ........ I can't handle this shit anymore, I need a transfer, or a new coworker...

Me: You'll never live this down fucker.

Ty: Guy's I was joking

J: My ass.

     He never told us his age till we brought it up like three days later. To be honest I was very convinced he had to go and check. Anyways I'll be posting more about Ty in the following weeks as stories are sent to me by my old coworkers. Stay tuned!

Anything But Clothes (ABC) Party

ABC stands for Anything But Clothes. Party goers must show up in "Anything But Clothes." This is one of the favorite themes of college campuses nationwide. Everyone gets to dress up in silly costumes and hott scandalous outfits. Whether you decide to wrap your body in caution tape or condoms its sure to be a fun night ahead!

What to Wear?

Be creative and use your imagination. You can get away with wearing anything for this party but if you want to stick out in the crowd you need to dress a little more risqué. The typical last minute costumes usually use a black trash bag or some toilet paper but if you like making things then this party is perfect for you. The key to this party is wear something unique. Get creative, go all out and it will be tons of fun!

Costume Ideas:

Duct Tape

Beer Boxes

Plastic Bags

Aluminum Foil

Towel

Place Mates

Cardboard Box

Candy Wrappers

Rubber Gloves

Caution Tape

Newspaper

Balloons

Feathers

Fabric

Wrapping Paper

Shower Curtain

Monopoly Money

Bubble Wrap

Condoms

Posters

Napkins

Body Paint

Party Streamers

Colored Saran Wrap

Paper Snowflakes

Burlap Sacks

Palm Fronds

Paper Toweling

Country Flags

Curtains

Sheets

Paper

Rugs

Hammocks

Accessories

CID

     The Criminal Investigative Department, or CID for short, is pretty much what you think it would be. But that's not what this story is about. CID is the nickname given to one of our socially awkward friends when he first started hanging out with us. He acted like a cop, and we broke the law a lot, so we called him CID,

     This story takes place at one of my house parties (no surprise there). On this particular night, the male to female ratio was actually roughly even. Any big party goer can attest to the fact that 90% of todays parties are pretty much sausage fests, and among the females here at the party, not even one was anywhere in the vicinity of "sober". Among the crowd that night, was familiar faces such as Nurse Bitch, Funny Nosed Bitch, and Neighbor Bitch. Those are the three we're going to focus on.

     The night started at the bar, just a few friends drinking and dancing, And quickly turned into an after party at my place. We left the bar at closing, already hammered, and picked up beer on the way home. Once we all settled in, got the beer pong table set up, got the music going, and the liquor flowing, clothes started to come off.

     This wasn't unusual, what would be unusual would be any female walking around with a shirt on. But on this night, CID broke one of the cardinal rules of going to a house party. CID passed out on the sectional not even minutes after our arrival. SOBER. Bad mistake kiddo, game on. For the first hour or two this didn't ever really register to us, we were too busy watching the chicks bounce their tits around my kitchen and dance on each other

     After everyone was good and drunk, and we made our way to the living room where the music was, I finally noticed CID. He was shirtless, unconscious, and basically begging to be fucked with, But I couldn't find my sharpie, sad face :( but that's okay, I felt like being generous at the time so I did something nice.

     At my request, Nurse Bitch, Funny Nosed Bitch, and Neighbor Bitch, all proceed to dance their nude bodies ALL over CID. Now for most guys, this is an absolute delight. But for an awkward 19 year old whose only action recently has been his left hand and the bare shoulder of a early 80's Playboy he keeps in his barracks room, this was much more than amazing, this was the pinnacle of what it means to be a man.

     At first he was shocked. Why were random people dancing on him and where were their clothes? it was only a few moments before he realized...Tits? Tits! And the smile on his face was one I'll never forget. I've got pictures of the whole event, maybe I'll blur out the females a tad and post them, if I'm feeling up to it and I can find them.

The Guy likes his story

Pros and Cons of Riding a Harley

Below I list the most important pros/cons of riding a motorcycle, more specifically, a Harley.

Pros:
          -Pussy magnet
          -Instant badass mode
          -Did I mention pussy magnet?
          -Fun as fuck/freedom

Cons-
          -Bugs
          -Fucking rain
          -Asshole drivers
          -Landwhale/hot chick pickup ratio is virtually equal

10 Things NOT to do at house parties

1. Fall asleep with your shoes on. (Obviously)

2. Play three straight games of Moonshine Beer pong. (VOMIT WARNING!)

3. Anything involving more than one shirtless male.

4. Hot Sauce. Enough said.

5.Scratch that, hot sauce can be fun.

6. Irish Trashcan = slobbering drunk

7. Strobe lights.

8. Karaoke.

9. Anyone with an Adams Apple.

10. Sinatra on the system.

The Guy in the Alley

   

 This ones about another close friend of mine, and how we became brothers. He goes by "The Guy in the Alley", but for the blog we'll just call him "The Guy".

     The Guy worked at my favorite bar in town. When we first met he was just a barback, restocking cold ice and beer for all of the patrons. Since then however, he's been the DJ, and even a bartender. But that's just his night job, during the day he worked for the city, as part of a trash crew, that's where his real money came from.

     We new each other for roughly a year before become friends. I invited him over to my house for a party after the bar closed, not thinking he'd actually show up. But he did, and it was a CRAZY night! But that's a story for a different night.

     The next morning, I awoke to find The Guy passed out in my living room with a few other people. I woke them all up and we started our day with some waffle house. As we ate, our topic of conversation changed from the previous nights party, to talking about our lives. That's when I found out The Guy was newly homeless.

     He'd been kicked out of the place he was staying recently, and had nowhere else to go. So what did I do? I offered to let him stay at my place of course! And just like that, my relationship with The Guy started immediately.

     The Guy lived with me for roughly two years before I left North Carolina, and we quickly became best friends. We were always there if the other person needed anything, no matter what it was, and this formed a strong trust between the two of us.

     Many shenanigans were had over the course of those two years, but one night stands out to me more than any of the rest, the night The Guy tried acid for the first time. For those of you that don't know a lot about LSD, well let's just say it's a hell of a drug. The dose he was taking didn't kick in for about an hour and half, but when it did, he was GONE for at least a good twelve damn hours.

     On this particular night, The Guy dropped his first tab of acid just before we left for the local pool hall. By the time we were halfway through out first pitcher of shitty beer, his pool game changed drastically. You see, The Guy was an amazing pool shark. He could make any shot you told him to, and he almost never missed. But now he couldn't hit a damn thing.

     I asked him what was going on, the follow dialogue is the result:

Me: What's going on man, you're pool games way off.

The Guy: I don't know man, I just don't wanna hurt the balls feelings by hitting them too hard ya know what I mean?

Me: No, I can't really say that I do...

The Guy: Trust me man, pool balls have feelings too!

Me: Ah drugs, they'll make you see some crazy shit

The Guy: I'm on drugs??

     Well through the course of this night, multiple pitchers of beer and a handful of shots of jaeger had distorted my senses enough I would easily classify myself as "The drunk idiot who vomited in the bathroom sink". And because of this, all I wanted to do was get laid, so I managed to drunk txt my way into the pants of some overweight mother of two with a pocket full of government aid money.

    Usually, I wouldn't have touched her no matter how drunk I was, but she had a roommate and The Guy wanted to get laid, so I gladly took one for the team. Well upon arrival to the heifer's house, I decide to get the deed over with and take her to the bedroom. And hour later, I come out to find her roommates door wide open, I walk past, and she's sitting on the bed ALONE. Fuck...

   She tells me he's been in the bathroom for a good half hour, and I find him staring blankly into the mirror. Little advice, never, I repeat, NEVER look into a mirror when you're on LSD. This mother fucker was LOST in the damn mirror! He literally couldn't look away because his eyes couldn't find their way out...

Me: Bro, you know that chicks still waiting for you to fuck her right?

The Guy: Chick? You mean that's a person?? Oh my god I thought it was a dragon! She looks like a damn dragon man! I was just gonna slay her with my dick and call it a night!

Me: I'm pretty sure she heard you man...

Dragon Lady: We can still have sex though, if you want.

Me: Nobody asked you

The Guy: Hold on I'm tripping, quit killing my buzz Dragon Lady

Dragon Lady: Just hurry up...

     The rest of the night consisted of the loudest and most annoying moaning I have ever heard, but not from the Dragon Lady, from The Guy. All you could hear from the bedroom was roars of triumph and The Guy shouting "The beast has been slain!" at the top of his lungs.

    Long story short, The Guy can get crazy sometimes, and you should always stay relatively sober to blog about it later. If you're reading this bro, happy late Halloween!     

Irrational Fear of Corn

     So migrating away from my usual story type, this one didn't actually happen to me, it happened to one of my closest friends named Batman a few years back.

     The night started with a few friends headed out to the karaoke bar. Something you have to understand about Batman, is that he's a fan of interesting people. Well that night he was destined to meet one of the most interesting people in his life. If you're reading this Batman, this ones for you and all those drunks nights in my garage.

     Upon arriving to the karaoke bar, Batman starts mingling with all the drunk idiots. He himself fitting in quite nicely, as he was just as awkward as them. Sober. One of his females friends, who's name Isn't important, notices some chick walk in with blue hair. Interesting Personality? He definitely thought so!

     After a bit, Batman decides it's about time for a smoke, so he heads outside and sparks up, met by no other than, you guessed it, the blue haired girl. Now an interesting fact about Batman, the moment a female enters the near vicinity he loses his ability to think, speak, and basically operate in any normal manner. This can best be explained by the following conversation:

Batman's friend: I don't mean to sound weird, but I LOVE your tits!

Blue haired chick: Oh thank you! Wanna touch em?

           (^^^Red Flag^^^)

Batman's friend: Oh no thank you.

Blue haired chick: *turns to batman* what about you?

Batman: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh *drools and babbles uncontrollably*

Batman: Boy do I!!!

     Well after a few moments of feeling up this blue haired chick with obvious daddy issues, Batman starts talking to her, and eventually gets her number, GO BATMAN! Well they text for a while when he finds out she has a boyfriend, damn. So naturally, he decides to play the friend game, and wait till they break up, and as luck would have it, they do. She calls him one night and invites him over.

     Well Batman hops in his shitty car and speeds over there. To fully understand this experience, you would have to see the car, Batman can you send me a picture of that old thing for our readers? I'll post it in the next few days.

     Upon arrival, Batman decides NOT to make a move on her in her weakened state, and instead just be there for her. Well somehow this worked, because a few days later, she calls him up as a late night booty call!

     Batman arrives at her house yet again, but this time with a different pace, a different intent. They start making out and doing things that adults do, then head to the bedroom. Well before I go any further, there's something about Batman that you need to know to really understand. See, Batman has a weak stomache. And because of this, he vomits at random times, for no reason.

     Well In the middle of doing the dirty, Batman decides to do something he never done before, which leads to the following dialogue:

Batman: Hey, Can I put it in your ass?

Blue Haired Chick: Sure of course!

                 (^^^Red Flag^^^)

     So what does he do? He shoves it in about as fast and hard as one possibly could without inducing friction burn. Hell maybe she did get friction burn I don't know. Well after a few minutes of that she stops him and says she doesn't feel good, and all Batman can think is, "Oh hell yah I'm gonna see her puke before she sees me puke!" WRONG!

     You ever seen a champagne cork on New Years? Now picture what happened when Batman pulled out. Yeah, that happened.

     She started crying, he started crying, so he decided to take a shower. This man, lord have mercy on him, found CORN IN HIS BELLY BUTTON! To this day, Batman can't eat corn, hell he cant even drink corn whiskey. Damn shame, he was a fine drinking of some JD No. 7

The Time I Fell in Love

   

     No folks, this isn't some sad love story about some unrequited love that never happened. It's the story of the first time I met my one true love, and yet my mortal enemy, Goldschläger.

     I'd been on a week long Jack binge. That mixed with cheap beer had let me to make a lot of irresponsible decisions over the course of those seven days, and I had decided it was about time to take a break from the sauce and move on to a more sober lifestyle. And the best way to do that? Drink myself sober of course!

     I had recently met my girlfriend at the time, we'll call her Nurse Bitch (long story). Well Nurse Bitch worked at what some would call the best sports bar in the world, Buffalo Wild Wings, or just BDubs. So occasionally she would frequent it for drinks, and so would we. She got discounts so it was nice.

    Well this particular night, which I think might have been someone's birthday, I had a few too many (again). I was drinking angry balls, which if you don't know, is an Angry Orchard with a shot of Fireball in it.

Protip: Angry is love. Angry ball is life.

     Well when we were done at BDubs, I was far from sober. I was also far from done for the night. We decided to have some more "sober" fun and go to a karaoke bar. For those of you that have never been to a karaoke bar, you should know that it's just as much BAR as it is KARAOKE.

     I'd been here many times before, but this time was different. This time, a new bottle on the shelf caught my eye. I saw the gold flakes, I saw the foiled label, I saw the clear liquid of the gods inside. I had heard so much about Goldschläger, but I had never had it. Until now.

     I call the bartender by name, and ask for a shot, and a beer. she brings them to me, I pay and don't tip a dime out of excitement. I throw back the first shot of Goldschläger ever, and I'm in heaven. The next two hours are a blur of Goldschläger and horrible karaoke songs, mostly by others, but admittedly I sang a few.

     Once 2:30 rolls around and the bar closes, I'm too drunk to drive. Thankfully I planned ahead and designated my girlfriend as my sober driver. I don't bat an eye when I hand her my keys knowing full well she was probably as drunk as I was, maybe even more!

     So she had been to my house many times before, and knew the way pretty well by now, so she shouldn't have had a problem finding it. Shouldn't. I remember flashes of myself puking out of my passenger side truck window, and looking at my gps trying to fins my way home. and the next thing I know I had blacked out, lovely.

     Well eventually I came to, and it took a minute for the situation and my location to register in my head. I was In the passenger seat of my truck, I smelled like vomit, and Nurse Bitch was passed out at the wheel. We were parked at an empty bank, in a town I didn't recognize. I walked into a gas station across the road to piss and ask the attendant where I was, I don't remember the town name, but somehow I had managed to make it to the other side of the damned state and park in a bank parking lot.

    Needless to say, never let a woman drive your truck after karaoke.

    

 

Mr. Alphabet

     I'll go ahead and say it, I'm actually a hopeless romantic. And it's not that I can't pick up women, but I can't get with anyone I LIKE. Hell when I was new to North Carolina, my friends would make fun of me for how many people I slept with. For around three months, they kept track of my kill count via a white board.

     They wrote out the alphabet, and every time I would sleep with someone, they'd cross out that persons letter of their first name. By the end of the three months, they had crossed off all but three letters on that board. Ah, my man whore stage, what a time! I don't really remember the majority of it, but apparently It was a damn good time!

P.S. Thanks for that Collin, Bearded Yankee won't let me leave it down.

City Limits

Actually, this is the bar we went to in the story "Slut Shaming". It's called City Limits, in Wilmington, NC

Slut Shaming?

     So back in my glory days, I was a sexist, chauvinistic, asshole. Not surprised? You shouldn't be. Well this story takes place around Christmas when I was still in the Marine Corps. Myself, along with One of my best friends, whom we will call "Bearded Yankee", decided to head to Wilmington, NC for a weekend of bad decisions and of course, alcohol.

     Before he leave on Friday, we head to the next town over to pick up a girl. Which is odd for me because usually I was the "fuck em and forget em", type. But for some odd reason, I actually liked this one. We'll call her "skinny bitch". We picked her up, and hit the road for Wilmington. Upon arrival, we booked a cheap hotel room and chugged as many airplane shooters as we possibly could. This was mistake #1.

     Around 8, we left the hotel and drove to the bar. It was a nice sized place I'd only been to once before called City Limits. And upon walking up to the bar and looking at the drink specials, I knew tonight would get bad. For a measly $7 you would get an entire bucket full of some kind of pink fruity mixed drink. They called them "Fuck it Buckets", and I loved them.

     After my first three buckets, I became a mathematician, and thusly was able to create my own math equations:

Fuck it Bucket = Drunk
Drunk = Fun
Fun = Trouble

and therefore, based on my complicated mathematical equation, I was able to deduce this:

Fuck it Bucket = Trouble

and also this:

Me + not giving a fuck + Fuck it Bucket = probable jail time and/or slut shaming will ensue.

     Well as I didn't feel like getting arrested that night, I promptly decided that I'd resort to my all time favorite recreational past time, slut shaming. For those of you wondering what exactly slut shaming is, don't fret the stories not over!

     So after grinding on skinny bitch for a good half hour, and another three trips to the bar to refill my bucket, I decide its about time for a smoke, so the three of us go outside and light up. That's when it happens, like a hunter in a stand watching the trees, I spy my first victim. She's roughly 5'6", at least 205 lbs, and wearing leggings that a swear to this day whispered "save me" in my ear. She was the one, my trophy buck if you will.

     I'm not sure where it came from, or what sparked it, but out of my drunken mouth spoke words that Bearded Yankee will never forget:

Me: Hey girl, nobody wants to see your cellulite. You obviously didn't come from the gym so why the hell are you wearing leggings to a bar?

Whale: Hey asshole! They're just comfortable why don't you mind your own business?!

Me: Because you look like a heft sack full a vegetable soup and the ham you stuffed in your pants reeks of low self esteem and feminism.

Whale: I don't have to take this from you, you don't even know me!

Me: And you don't know the benefits of a good diet.

Whale: Fucking dick!

Bearded Yankee: Shots fired! *looks at whale* Rebuttal?

Whale: ...

Score:

Whale:0
Me: 1

     The rest of the night was a blur, until we left for the hotel room anyways. I was drunk beyond belief and just wanted to nut, so of course I gave Skinny Bitch my truck keys. Mistake #2. So we start driving, and after almost swerving into a half dozen parked cars, I decide its my turn to drive. Ever drove through the downtown streets of a large city drunk as hell? Well this was my first time.

     Somehow we make it back to the hotel alive. Bearded Yankee passes out, and me and Skinny Bitch start making out on the other bed. Well after a few minutes, she decided she still wants to party, and that Bearded Yankee needed to wake up. So she wakes him up. Mistake #3.

     Well after ten minutes of calling his name, Bearded Yankee wakes up, and is his eyes you can tell this night has just began. He promptly wakes up, chugs a beer, and asks why the fuck we woke him up, Skinny bitch tells him she wants to party. And then for some unknown reason I will never understand, I walk over to the lamp, take the light bulb out, walk outside, and throw it into the hotel pool. Mistake #4.

     Before I know it, anything that isn't bolted down or physically a part of the rooms structure, is thrown into that damned pool. And then I blacked out for good, When I come to, the room is destroyed, the toilet is full of broken beer bottles, the sink is full of what might be urine, and I'm laying nude next to skinny bitch with the smell of bad decisions lingering all over the room.

    TL:DR Got drunk and stupid, made fun of fat people, and got laid.

     Hope you enjoyed this one, and yes of course it's true. Keep an eye out for my next post!

Whiskey Drinking SOB

     To start off, yes this is a true story. This happened to me one drunken night in North Carolina, when I was just becoming who I am today. Here, you'll learn how I came to make friends with some of the best people I have ever met. I hope that starting out with this story will catch the interest of like minded people out there. So if you love to throw back some cold ones on the weekend and have low morals, then here's to the drinking class!

     The year was 2013, and I was a six pack of Bud Light deep on a Friday night when I decided to hit up one of the local bars. Now back in those days, that didn't just mean ME. It meant me, and ten of my buddies! The night would include beer, liquor, dancing, and if we were lucky, easy women with questionable morals and daddy issues.

     That night, I was approached at the bar by a nice young women, who thought that my skills on the dance floor were sexy as hell. I'd say a solid 10/10 on the scale, even after only a few beers. Well naturally, I manage to successfully get her number (SCORE!). More than thought though, she wants to come to the party I'm going to tonight (SCORE X2!). My spidey senses quickly declare her an easy target for my drunken self to slobber over until she decides to give it up.

     Sadly however, that is not how the night ended. Now if you guess the night ended with me holding her ponytail in the front yard as she threw up the FOUR beers she drank, then you'd be right. Buzzkill right? Agreed.

     Well this became a habit. Not the throwing up, but the anticipation, followed by denial, of any sexual acts. Now it wasn't that we didn't try to have sex, because we did. But something always got in the way. Usually this included my roommate walking into the living room while I was in "foreplay mode".

     Well after a few weeks of this, I go home to Texas for a week or two to see my family. On this two week trip, we talk the whole time, and then one day the worst happens. She admits to me, that she has genital herpes. (Thank god I got cock-blocked!) Well this of course led me to never talk to her again.

     A few days after I got back home, I went to the bar again. That night, I learned she had started talking to someone new. Well let's just say that after an 18 rack of cheap beer I was determined to make sure that this random guy didn't catch the herp. So what do I do? I walk up to him, and I tell him what I know. Thankfully he believed me, and came back home with me and my friends to enjoy a night of drunken stupor and chicks playing strip pong.

     That night, I made a lifetime friend, we'll call him "Tiger", thanks mom for the idea.

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     I'll do me best to update this thing at least once a day. comment or email me if you liked it, or want to hear anything specific!

-Codex
 
    

Introduction

     I got the idea to start blogging just today, from a man at a coffee shop downtown. So to the man outside The Standpipe in the black beanie, thanks for the idea. I'll be posting a variety of things on here. Anything from stories over the years, to my drunken ramblings in the middle of the night. If you can keep interest then feel free to follow, first story coming soon!