Slut Shaming?

     So back in my glory days, I was a sexist, chauvinistic, asshole. Not surprised? You shouldn't be. Well this story takes place around Christmas when I was still in the Marine Corps. Myself, along with One of my best friends, whom we will call "Bearded Yankee", decided to head to Wilmington, NC for a weekend of bad decisions and of course, alcohol.

     Before he leave on Friday, we head to the next town over to pick up a girl. Which is odd for me because usually I was the "fuck em and forget em", type. But for some odd reason, I actually liked this one. We'll call her "skinny bitch". We picked her up, and hit the road for Wilmington. Upon arrival, we booked a cheap hotel room and chugged as many airplane shooters as we possibly could. This was mistake #1.

     Around 8, we left the hotel and drove to the bar. It was a nice sized place I'd only been to once before called City Limits. And upon walking up to the bar and looking at the drink specials, I knew tonight would get bad. For a measly $7 you would get an entire bucket full of some kind of pink fruity mixed drink. They called them "Fuck it Buckets", and I loved them.

     After my first three buckets, I became a mathematician, and thusly was able to create my own math equations:

Fuck it Bucket = Drunk
Drunk = Fun
Fun = Trouble

and therefore, based on my complicated mathematical equation, I was able to deduce this:

Fuck it Bucket = Trouble

and also this:

Me + not giving a fuck + Fuck it Bucket = probable jail time and/or slut shaming will ensue.

     Well as I didn't feel like getting arrested that night, I promptly decided that I'd resort to my all time favorite recreational past time, slut shaming. For those of you wondering what exactly slut shaming is, don't fret the stories not over!

     So after grinding on skinny bitch for a good half hour, and another three trips to the bar to refill my bucket, I decide its about time for a smoke, so the three of us go outside and light up. That's when it happens, like a hunter in a stand watching the trees, I spy my first victim. She's roughly 5'6", at least 205 lbs, and wearing leggings that a swear to this day whispered "save me" in my ear. She was the one, my trophy buck if you will.

     I'm not sure where it came from, or what sparked it, but out of my drunken mouth spoke words that Bearded Yankee will never forget:

Me: Hey girl, nobody wants to see your cellulite. You obviously didn't come from the gym so why the hell are you wearing leggings to a bar?

Whale: Hey asshole! They're just comfortable why don't you mind your own business?!

Me: Because you look like a heft sack full a vegetable soup and the ham you stuffed in your pants reeks of low self esteem and feminism.

Whale: I don't have to take this from you, you don't even know me!

Me: And you don't know the benefits of a good diet.

Whale: Fucking dick!

Bearded Yankee: Shots fired! *looks at whale* Rebuttal?

Whale: ...

Score:

Whale:0
Me: 1

     The rest of the night was a blur, until we left for the hotel room anyways. I was drunk beyond belief and just wanted to nut, so of course I gave Skinny Bitch my truck keys. Mistake #2. So we start driving, and after almost swerving into a half dozen parked cars, I decide its my turn to drive. Ever drove through the downtown streets of a large city drunk as hell? Well this was my first time.

     Somehow we make it back to the hotel alive. Bearded Yankee passes out, and me and Skinny Bitch start making out on the other bed. Well after a few minutes, she decided she still wants to party, and that Bearded Yankee needed to wake up. So she wakes him up. Mistake #3.

     Well after ten minutes of calling his name, Bearded Yankee wakes up, and is his eyes you can tell this night has just began. He promptly wakes up, chugs a beer, and asks why the fuck we woke him up, Skinny bitch tells him she wants to party. And then for some unknown reason I will never understand, I walk over to the lamp, take the light bulb out, walk outside, and throw it into the hotel pool. Mistake #4.

     Before I know it, anything that isn't bolted down or physically a part of the rooms structure, is thrown into that damned pool. And then I blacked out for good, When I come to, the room is destroyed, the toilet is full of broken beer bottles, the sink is full of what might be urine, and I'm laying nude next to skinny bitch with the smell of bad decisions lingering all over the room.

    TL:DR Got drunk and stupid, made fun of fat people, and got laid.

     Hope you enjoyed this one, and yes of course it's true. Keep an eye out for my next post!